This kind of Break-Up burns the heart too

Have you ever had break-up of any kind?

Trust me, you will connect with this.

The pain we feel when we break up with friends we have had for a very long time, who indeed have formed an integral part of our life is quite devastating.

It is very unfortunate that we hardly talk about this other type of break-up in groups or on social media. It looks to me that lately, everyone is concentrating on the new cliche “toxic people”. So many people want to run away as fast as they can, from these “toxic people”.

It beats my imagination that as toxic as we see them, so also, they see us. If indeed all of us have become toxic, what then can we do?

I cry sometimes, and I wonder what actually happened, and what caused this break-up that cannot be fixed. At what point in our relationship did I become “toxic”? What was my contribution to this break-up? I know myself as one who wants to make friends as well as everyone around me happy, so, I want to open up to them, I always volunteer to help them do things. I could go out of my way to give gifts to them to make them look as good and hapy, because I love to look good, and all my friends admire me; I do not want any one to feel inferior to me and I do not want to feel superior to any one. I make people’s opinion count, this is something I make a concious effort to do. But it took me a long time to realise that many people are not what they sometimes portray. 

It dawned on me that people want competition almost all the time, and the nearest and best place to begin, is with you, their best friend. I also noticed that, at first, they admired you, as time goes on, they envy you, and then, jealousy creeps in. This keeps deteriorating, and they begin to criticize you and talk behind your back. I have equally noticed that no one can please everyone at the same time.

I got married before all my friends. I loved them all, but one was my favourite.  I opened my house to all of them, I accommodated the ones that had no place of abode. They cooked and ate at will, used my things as it were, when I was a spinster. My husband was their “very good friend” or so they made me believe. He listened to them and treated them with love and respect. He attended to their financial needs.  But I got my first shocker when my favourite friend got married and had children before I did. Lines were immediately drawn, her colleagues who were mothers already became her best friends and confidants. She seldom came to me anymore or appreciated my visits to her. She told me one day that her new year resolution was to change her circle of friends. I gave this a thought, but never believed I will be the first person she would dump. She has lived in my house since we were teenagers. I had put her first in almost everything. When I had my first opportunity to travel out side the country, I chose her to come with me over my siblings.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO BROUGHT THE JOY, LOVE, VULNERABILITY AND NAIVETY OF TEENAGE FRIENDSHIP, INTO ADULT RELATIONSHIP…

The friendships we cultivated during our teenage years looked like they were meant to last a lifetime; alas, they get shattered when we enter our 40s and 50s. This brings another kind of heart break.  

-Lilian Chudey Pride  

     

When with me, she would contribute to decisions in my affairs, and I will appreciate them, but with her, none of my contributions mattered. She was at the helm of affairs when I had any party or function, but with her, she would have done everything with her “new circle of friends” before telling me that there would be a function tomorrow.

It was when her daughter got married that she destroyed what was left of the love we shared. All her new friends were present, she gave them special treatment, made sure they were well entertained, but treated me with disrespect and contempt. I had arrived earlier before the stipulated party time, as I thought that I could help her put some finishing touches to the decorations, but she embarrassed me when she told me that I should not have bothered coming that early, after all, I was not the Master of Ceremony. This she said in the presence of her children and friends. Her children loved me, and saw me as a role model. I thought I was in a dream, I felt humiliated and unwanted, but I swallowed it up, and made my decision to end it there and then. Though, she did not serve me any food or drink, but when I noticed that seats were not enough for the guests, I organized seats for them.

I loved her so much, I cry each time I remember the many Christmases we had together, many of which she had nothing to wear and I would gladly buy her some good dresses. When she had no roof over her and I willingly made mine available, and I bore her pains as much as she did. When she cried over some ugly occurrences in her life, we sincerely cried together as I willingly offered my shoulder. I remembered what our friendship was like when we were still teenagers, with our naivety, love and vulnerability intact.

Yes, I ended it there and then, or so I thought, because, to her, it looks like things had since ended in her mind’s eye, but I was so foolish to realise. I sometimes feel very bad when I think of my lost friendship, and I console myself with thesewords:

No one deserves to be disrespected or humiliated.

• Perhaps my experience resonates with what you may have gone through in this regard. I will love to hear from you.

Yours in Grace and Love,

Lilian Chudey Pride